“Toilet paper moves s***, but it doesn’t remove it.” - Rose George
Listen, we have to change the way we wipe our butts.
As Americans, we have been proud of our conservative traditions and values. This includes our hygiene habits, specifically our butt wiping routines. You know what I'm talking about. After you do the do, you grab your handy dandy toilet paper and wipe. Clean, right? Wrong. Many western countries use dry toilet paper. Why is it that our butts are the only acceptable place to clean using dry objects? Do you wash your hands with just paper towels after you eat? Do you wash your face with dry cloth when you wake up? Do you wash your arm pits with dry cloth? Do you brush your teeth with a dry toothbrush? No. So this begs the question: why in the HELL would you wash your BUTT with dry toilet paper?
This realization, my friends, is how the migration began.
The honest to God truth is that western standards of wiping are unsanitary. Do you truly believe that wiping your butt with dry toilet paper is the best way to clean your butt after-you-go? You may be wiping away a majority of the doo but you are undoubtedly leaving behind small bits of feces that you will carry around until your next shower. This is the reality of American bathroom hygiene. Wiping with dry toilet paper has serious consequences. Including but not limited to hemorrhoids, bleeding, and the worse of them all........ RECTAL PROLAPSE.
Ok. Maybe rectal prolapse is a bit extreme. At the very least, though, we can all admit that we've had a case of itchy butt and smelly bottom. It's that internal feeling that we all get when we know something just isn't quite right down there. These are very unpleasant experiences for us and, in some cases, the people around us.
Furthermore, not being completely clean has social ramifications as you are simply...not ready. You aren't ready for work, you aren't ready for a meeting, you aren't ready for a date, you aren't ready for anything. You can't operate efficiently throughout the day knowing your butt is not thoroughly clean. There is only one solution to this very serious problem.
We must use moisture when we wipe. Plain and simple.
Yes, let us take a page out of the book of some other cultures. In many parts of the world, as well as Southeast Asia and Southern Europe, water is usually used for anal cleansing using a jet, as with a bidet, or most commonly, splashed and washed. This is usually followed by drying using a cloth towel or toilet paper.
Now we are not saying you need to be washing your butt with a jet or bidet. Bidets are inconvenient, expensive, and uncomfortable. We also aren't saying you need to be using standard wet wipes. BTW, We hate wet wipes. Read more about the War on Wet Wipes.
We have come out with a groundbreaking product called Booty Mint. We have brought together the best of both cultures without clogging your local municipal sewage system. You simply spray our formulated moisturizer on dry toilet paper to instantly turn it into a moist wipe. Then you wipe and experience the sensation of superior hygiene as our essential oils, botanical extracts & vitamins work to leave you cleaner than a fresh shower. Your butt will feel like a breath of fresh air. Literally.